LOVESICK AVENUE

Al mio amore

i guess i haven't been entirely honest with my readers and some friends. in person and in my blog post, i have always portrayed the sense of being the MR-know-all especially when it comes to love. love has been a the main issue for me, growing up and all. it has taught me many beautiful yet painful lessons. whatever it may seems, i guess its time to confess.


Dear readers, I'm not sure how to put it, but i guess the fact is; I'm not single. its kinda complicated for me to explain. its like those Malay song where the boyfriend sings about taking in their ex again because they really love their ex. i guess i still love her.even when i was with someone else. during the time when she was with her boyfriend and coincidentally i was chatting with her, i guess i was kind of sour to her. frankly, i was jealous. i know i haven't been treating her right, but i was a jerk, expecting her to be faithful and loyal. but then she did managed to slip out that she still has feelings for me. in actual fact, we have patched up again since like October '08.the problem with my ex is that though we are patching up, her presence was not felt. its was rarely that we were able to communicate via sms and some weekends on MSN. as all of you had known, i had always wanted more, wanted something concrete. I'm an insecure person. as long as there is some concrete relationship, I'm content.


at the same time, during those patching up period i would call it, i am also in love with someone else. we chatted, sms, fought and argued. but then, its her that i always go to at the end of the day. it because she's there. it's her that was always there. i know I'm bad. but then, she has made it a point, she can never be with me. she kept going back to her boyfriend when she broke up. till i felt at some point of time, I'm nothing to her. look it at my point of view, her family and I'm talking about your mak chu, mak long, pak ngah and all AKA her extended family, knows about her relationship with him. so if i were to come into the picture, what does that make me? someone who destroys relationship? that is egoistic. blame me all you want readers, i know I'm wrong. its entirely my fault.


so readers, its because of the lack of presence and concreteness that i am lovesick. its not like I'm out of love or something. i do have my ex who still loves me dearly. in fact, we met on Saturday before i headed to KL. we did some shopping, walking around and a lot of catching up. gosh, I'm touched when she said she wanna spent time with me before i go. sometimes, i wonder, what i did wrong to her the 1st time round. i guess i wanna dedicate my next post to how i met her.

Need some serious resting,
Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore


what will be of this holiday? im not sure. school's out and being jobless. the two things i really wish i could change. im starting to be afraid. afraid that i'll be lonely. its not those without anyone special kind of lonely that i usually rattle about. but its those kind of lonely where i have no physical contact with anyone other then my family.


its those things that sometime made me stay up late at night. sitting by the window, thinking. what could she be doing in this possible hour? if she's asleep, i really wanna see her sleep. i mean, looking at her sorts of makes my inside goes warm. the chest cavity tingles. i miss those time when it happen especially when i saw her. been a while since i saw her. how i wish i know how is she doing. i have this habbit of secretly glancing at her and telling myself how lucky and blissful to have the chance to know her. god, i wish she does read this blog. i mean, i dont usually write specifically. so i guess if she were to read this, then she also wouldnt know im talking about her.


there's so much i could talk about her. but i do not wish to reveal her identity through the clues i leave behind. im in no position to even like her. look at me, how pathetic i could be. i dont have the looks, the voice nor the qualities.she's even attached, so yeah i dont want to disrupt her life but then again some girls been telling me that im so sweet towards them. i myself didnt notice that,maybe i do it too often to even be noticed. i dunno. what i know is, im just good at it.LOL


anyway, i'll be on a hiatus
Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore

in this symbolic world, we usually find ourselves stuck in a situation that causes us to be breathless, restless and anxious. these situation plays the building steps of the community. for if there were no problems, there wouldn't be any group of people who will come together and seek advices from each other. we could have lead our lives in seclusion, feed our ego with improper mindsets and such.thinking that we do not need anyone but our self. but then, we realise something: living in the made up world within our own comfort zone does not provide for us the sense of accomplishment, being wanted and the sense of fulfilment.

these things, these missing pieces,some may find it in love, some find it in health and the list goes on. but what's there if one could not make up their mind on those? i believe that in having the fulfilment of those, one need to make up their mind or know what is missing in their mind. thus it allows for easier compensation to self. for if one still do not know what is missing, then i guess, we'll be forever lost and not be able to feel the greatness of life.

however, to reach this "completeness" in life, one may have to sacrifice here and there. i mean lets all face it, if everything in our life goes our way, everyone will be rich, famous and the best. but the way we are made, we can never be the same for all.


but all that besides the point.truth is, i have not been able to connect myself and my thoughts together. seeing her sometimes remind me, how painful it was knowing that she was no longer there. i wish she knew, although i know its kind of hard these days to get the message across. i blame myself for this. i have never been a good speaker, i stutter, i lost my train of thought, somehow, my mouth cant move as fast as my brain thinks. worst is having those all at the same time. it always happens to me in class. i dunno, maybe it was due to my sickness. its getting worst. its not that i don't want to go to the doctor, i mean, why go when you already know what is happening to yourself. i feel that i know my body better. but whatever it is, i know she can do it without me.

Keep me in your prayers,
Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore

Time has been a crucial factor in life. time has the affinity towards our surrounding and environment. without time, we wont know the value of things, life and feelings. i had wanted to put love there, but for some reason, i procrastinate.
but that's besides the point. the whole point is, it serves us dearly. making itself part of our lives that we seek no other but to run and chase after time. we rely on it as a margin to show and express our honesty, sincerity and such.


we have datelines due, planes to catch, appointments and goals to meet. how is it possible without time? most of our life, we are pre-occupied in our time rush. rushing for time as they say. but it takes a deep realisation to see that it has not only taken over our lives. but also, our feelings as well.


look at those time you spent in school;hours of mental stress, agony and pain. then before you know it, its almost ending. some feel the relief, hoping to get some time off from the harsh mental straining from school. but then again, because of the time spent with those classmates be it with ups and downs, suddenly you felt lost. you feel that you are going to lose the friendship and have to start over. you feel that somehow, without them in your life, its gonna be dull and boring. you wouldn't mind spending more time in school just to be with them. somehow, you grew attached to them. this is of course, with due time.


its the same for relationships. after you grew to like the person, you would want to spent all your time with that person. you now feel that without that person in your life, you would have been different or your existence would be of no particular value or use. i know it sounds silly but we do exchange vows saying that we are going to love each other for eternity, but to what extent is eternity? look around us, the number of people being depressed and out of love. and time doesnt seem to have changed this statistic, especially in this era.


its time,
Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore,

i had always thought i was strong. strong enough that i could easily avoid confronting. but recently that i realise, none of us were really strong. all these while we have been lying to ourselves. No, I'm not strong. in fact i believe I'm the weakest. i feel that i could break down anytime soon.


there was a time when i had knew this girl. we both knew we share a feeling for each other. but i guess we were worlds apart. i maybe the 1st guy she ever falls for but that doesn't mean she's gonna want a person like. I'm a joke. who ever took me seriously needs some medical attention. or maybe i need that medical attention.


but soon i realise, i have a gift. a gift of knowing what girls want. sometimes, although its hard for me to explain. sometimes its like i know when a girl needs that extra attention. be it with words or action, i think somehow i can manage to find a way to their hearts. blame me for once being a loverboy

Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore

for i had a quote that says: what can't be seen, doesnt mean it can't be felt. what can't be felt doesn't mean its not there.


one cant see love, but that doesnt prove that one cant feel it. at times, we are soo fogged up by the thigs around us that sometimes we too can't feel the love. but does that mean it does not exist?


most of the time we find it hard to confess. strange thing is , the things we usually can't confess could be summarised in to 3 beautiful words that make up- I Love You. true isnt it? sometimes we find it so hard, so difficult to confess that we love someone. be it with our parents, our family or even to the ones we admire.


ever told somebody about your feelings for that person? I did, or i think i did. well, i got her gifts but was never brave enough to give it to her personally. we would meet everyday, but never was there a brave moment or chance for me to talk to her. i have always looked and admire her, but never do our eyes meet. worst, we bid farewell when i was about to get comfortable and had summed up the courage to talk to her.


so my friend, this is how painful some of my experience with love is. all these eventually allow me to think, am i really hoping for the better or the worst? to try to forget and moving on is simple. when you have your attention else where that is.

Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore


WILL NOT BE POSTING TILL MY LAYOUT IS BETTER

Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore,


for this post, im not going to write or express in the conventional method which i always do. forgive me, for this wanting to write on this topic has been burning in me. it had actually started long ago, during the time i had 1st learnt about the wisdom of Islam, the wisdom of life.


we as human are created for a reason. a reason for us to worship Him and only Him. for that is written in his holy books. however, without knowing the essence of the worship itself, all is lost. its like having a can of mixed fruits but not knowing what fruits is in the can.


Know that our prayers are actually living the essence of worship itself. for when we stand in Qiyam, it represent alif. the sifatul huruf which shows it stands alone, strong and majesty.in which we must understand that these are the attributes given to Him.


then when we do our Ruku'. it represents Ha. this is where it represents the humbleness, the plainess or rather uniform. at the same time for the worshiper it projects the idea of the worshipper being honest and focused. all these that have been taught by the prophet.


next would be the Qu'ud, the sitting down. Mim represents this action. the wisdom behind it would then be faithful. sitting in calmness, waiting. for it also shows that this is one of the being clam, willing to accept anything that has been served to him


lastly is the Sujud. the sujud brings about the last and the highest state of spiritual purity. symbolised by Dal. it holds the hikmah or wisdom. it potrays acceptence and the state of Tawaduk or rather the state of humbleness and ever accepting any orders or things that happen it happens because of Him.


when all those sybolisation put together it form the word Ahmad. so who is this Ahmad and where is it? as we know, Ahmad is one of the many beautiful names of Muhammad. but according to this hakikat, or the reality of worship, we are potraying Ahmad. thus this is where the sentence, " kita ni muhammad yang memikul sifat Ahmad" which means we are Muhammad who carries the attributes of Ahmad.


now one will ask how come we are Muhammad? Muhammad in reality has died more the a centuary ago. but in wisdom sense, we are all Muhammad. for without him, there would be no creation, for without him there wont be Adam. how did this came about for in the Quran and the Bible it states that Adam was the 1st human?


we have to back tract abit here. for during the creation of this world. there was nothing but Him. From His essences, He created a Nur or what we call light. this is the Light of Muhammad (Nur Muhammad). from the light, it was divided into parts. one parts makes the Arash and the Kursi. the other part was made into the Kalam or the Pen and the Book (Luh mahfuz). the next part was turned in to this beautiful creation that we live in, the entire universe ('Alam). and the last part is what became of Muhammad, the Seal of Prophets. thus this answer to the question, what is the Light mentioned in the Bible (let there be light)in the 1st chapter and the 1st spoken words of God. this light is the reality of Muhammad.


Now when all the piecess put together, do we see something? do we see that we are created from the reality of Muhammad in which was from the essence of God himself? in other words, we are the essence of God of which is through Muhammad. years ago, there were a few men who had reached the reality of what i had explained earlier in which they were in the state of estacy.


some, like Shyakh Siti Jenar even claims that God is within him. Infact to the extent of saying he is God. ouh for beautiful reasons, i do agree on what he said. we are God to our own fate. its us who decide on our fate, for in the Quran it had said, "I will not change the fate of the people if they do not make the effort to change it first". and like Ghazali had said in his Alchemy of Happiness, " none can understand a king but a king, thus God made each of us a king in miniature, so to speak, over a kingdom(our self) which is an infinitely reduced copy of His own".

Al mio amore,

they say love brings about many thing. it is because of love that we are created. because of love, Noah brought aboard his ark animals of different species. because of love Moses brought his people out of the Pharaoh's unjust hand.it was because of love that Joseph was being tempted by God through Potiphar's wife. it was because of love that Jesus is said to have died for mankind. It was because of love Muhammad is known to be the most influential single figure that ever lived.


it is not hard to see we are all engulf in the passion and flame of love. be it love for God, love for religion or even love between us. we are just mere human, nothing more then just ordinary souls leading ordinary life. we need love. physically, our body needs food, water, air to live. but then what about the soul? the soul too needs nourishment and that is love.


a soul without love is like a dry bread. bread with cracks and crumbles when broken into two. is that how we want to be? in crumbles and have cracks all over. think about it, for God have created us to be in pairs. so one thing that i still could not comprehend is why do we still have to look for love? shouldnt love be shared? shouldnt love be there readily?


Pondering and wondering
Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore,

there is something about the way that she makes me feel tonight. feeling lonely, feeling lost. feeling sad. all these mixed emotion makes my head spin. why cant we just be like a normal teenager? who shares a mutal feeling of love. its not so hard. just the exhange of "i love you", "i miss you", " see you tmr, love". all these short and simple messages yet very soul touching messages is what i think our relationship lacks of.


its ok if there is someone else other than me. its ok if you dont want to commit. its ok if you have your reasons. i dont need to hear them. i just need you to give me the sense of being loved. being there for me.


God, how much i miss those time when we used to stay up late at night, either chatting away or sms-ing each other. i miss those time when you made me important. i mean you still made me important. but i guess im no longer your priority. maybe you were right. i cant make up my mind. well i have my reasons. reasons that i think is valid enough. but it makes me wonder, what does it make me? what will you think of me now?


maybe 2008 has its way of saying goodbye. look at us. look at how far we parted. those small misunderstanding. but i know it made us believe in each other stronger. it made me think of you much deeper. deeper in the sense that if only we are together. anyway, i still do love you like i said. in fact, i love everyone. im learning to love people now. never to hate. just envy of their well being

Lovesick Avenue

Al mio amore

the longing to meet lingers in me. sometimes i don't understand. could this be a new beginning? could this be a downfall on my part? I'm not sure. i try to indulge in positive, constructive works but all seems to be wasted away by time. i wonder, if there is any growth in me. be it spiritual or emotional, i am not sure if there is any progress.



no point loving and claiming you are happy if fights are unavoidable. no point being in love when what you want is only a connection between the two of you. so i guess i hold no authority on these things. i wish there were ways i could be in charge. but then, all i see is a higher hierarchy. this goes on. be it at home, in school, in any organisation, there will be someone higher stepping on your head.



sometimes the hardest thing is to realise that nothing last forever. but the worst part is when you have to get up and move on. getting up and realising that a lot of things have been wasted is easy, but moving on from the pain is the difficult part. the pains stays, buried under those beautiful smiles. ask the ladies with beautiful smiles, and i can assure you that they have a sad tale to tell.


tell me of a tale of happiness, and I'll tell you a sad ending
Lovesick Avenue